Sleepless

Its been quite sometime, I am bothered and stressed out about something. Could it be about the accident and the large sum of money that I need to pay the other party. I hate myself,how can I be so generous and then, I end up being broke and feeling sorry for myself again. It wasnt even my fault. Well,partly it was but its not my responsibility.

Perhaps ,they were right about me. I am plainly stupid and I couldnt even say No. I just go with the follow. I am like a boat sailing without a good direction, Ive been through a lot lately. These trials tested my faith. The Lord helped me throughout. I am close to giving up and even thought of ending my life. I was so pre-occupied,I was starving and broke and then back home,my family is also experiencing financial restraints.

I missed my family. The only reason why I am still trying to live my life. I know that I've been through a lot and looking back my life story is one hell of a drama series. I think that whats happening to me now is a by product of the decisions that I made and are not really good ones. Right now, I need to Focus and I know that I believe in God but the question is do I trust him?

I am not getting any younger, I need to make sure that I will live my life the right way and make sure that I need to make investments and then make sure that It will be God's Will , I need to surrender myself to him.

SMILE

I cant believe Im still smiling after all the problems that I've been through.
I sit at home,I wonder ,I think of the what if's. I go around and pretend, I play the circus clown and let my friends think that Im okay but the pain is cutting me so deep.

I put on a happy face,i put my make up on and if they ask me how I've been, I'll just say that Im okay and I go on and then I sit again at home and wonder,that empty familiar stare out of nowhere.
Its killing me but then I put on this mask,the smile on my face,the laughter,the joke is on me.

I hold my head up high, my pride is at stake. Its not that easy,its hard to fake the truth,kinda alarming but I have mastered it. So I put on a smile once again,if anyone would ask me, I will just say that everything is okay.

Its a cycle,sometimes its easier for me to smile and put on a happy face,then by showing the world my misery,at least it would save me time by explaining myself. Sometimes I just dont want to talk anymore, I just want to stay silent and grieve at my own mistakes, I want to punch myself,cut myself,see myself bleed.

But physical pain, I can endure. This mental and emotional torture is killing me. But I am still sane and I am thankful to the people who have made me and helped me all throughout. I know I am strong to fight all this adversities. I can and I will make it. I invite positivity always.

Life's a Bitch

After being hired and becoming a part of one of the Country's leading network,I thought my problems would end there..but little did I know that just around the corner another series of unfortunate events would turn its nagging toll on me. I wondered a million times, I've been nice and kind and generous to others, I've been a friend to all, a cheerful friend, a good daughter and one hell of a lover,but why am I imprisoned in this deep shithole. I am totally in a mess,its like I am a magnet for trouble.

I moved out from my comfort zone, risk taker as I am, I ventured,coz like they say "nothing ventured,nothing gained". I gained respect, I have a name now that I need to protect, and yes, I will always be the same person,but I got more responsibilities now. The worst thing about being myself is that, I am in a way impulsive, would that be considered as my weak points? If so, then by all means,can somebody poke me?

I am so bad at decision making, Its like my brains are not functioning the right way,most of the time? err....this is totally a test,I know,Ive been through a lot lately. I dont know , I am confused,battered. I am completely in distress.

I just got involved in an accident. I am blaming myself. I am now in deep shit.
It was all my fault. And now, I have to pay? Partly my fault and yes my responsibilty. I am so hating myself,but I know I will get over this predicament. Like I always do,but I need to rest from this, I need a life.

I cant sleep, I cant even think straight. Pressure....Stress...Bring it on!
Perhaps its really the end of the world,I had my share of shit, and its totally killing me. I need a diversion, I need air, I need time, I need to breath... I wish its all a dream and I wake up like nothing happened.

For Your Heart Only

Its my 3rd night on training with of course my super nice tandem Papa Jhon Marco Manoy. Its a bit overwhelming that I am now doing what I love the most. I find it really great if you love what you're doing, Its a natural high.
Its a bit different from my previous experience, It was just a temporary stint and it was like informal because they did not hire me. But this time,this is for real. I went through the nerve-wrecking audition where I was able to be with the ever Pap-ular " Papa Joe". This is not an overstatement.

I personally like his program,eversince I came here in Cebu. I got hooked. He is very informative and a bit twisted which is a good thing, he is also a quick thinker and he can do his adlibs very well.
I met the rest of the pack and they were all so nice to me. I had the chance to talk with James Spider Kaka before the audition and he was the one who really influenced me to give it a shot. I remember that I only had fifty pesos that day and I walked from the highway all the way down to the station, thats about 2kms away. But it was all worth it.

I also met Inday Gemma. He/She/It was a real hottie. harharhar . I am so fond of the style. Its a given, since I am close to the 3rd sex..its like I can relate. And enough of being the bitch. But,hell yeah, I will be the only girl deejay then.

Papa Raul Chito... silent water runs deep. I do understand that sometimes he just does his own thing , but Im glad that right now...he is talking to me. I guess, he needs to get used of me too...ahahahahha.

And of course...thanks to Papa Jhon Marco again for the lessons, I am getting the hang of it and thanks for giving me chance to make mistakes but I am learning.
To Sir AJ...thanks for giving me the chance.. I will prove my worth and I will make you proud of me, I will make sure that you did not make a mistake hiring me.

Nindotah Ah!