Pagka nalang gyud....

Sus,atimana! Nkakatwa ko kai one time ng chika mi sa akong friend and ingon xa na ingon pd daw iyang friend na ironic keu ang mga warning signs sa mga jeep kai moingon na NO SMOKING pero ang driver mismo kai ga smoke.so exempted?

Ug sa dihang nisakay ko ug jeep, dire ra jud ko sa Cebu nakaingon nga snob sa personal ang mga tao kai dili lage sila mosibog naman lang kai nagkalisod, kai tambok bya tawon ko. pati ang pamalihug ug plite, ang uban kai motanaw lang, and then dili man lang modawat,hala noh?!

Naa pa jud ko nabantayan (nklaro na gyud noon na himantayon ko dah...tsk tsk) Naay uban tao na bisan ug way labot sa storya mo join jud,murag ako. hahahaha

BABALA....PAUNAWA...(Warning...Caution...Reminder)

Oh men! hahaha nitukar ang akong pagkaliki ,murag feeling keu nako msulat karon adlawa.
Una sa tanan, mao mao ra akong kwarta pero nipalit jud ko ug UKAY UKAY,alangan naman tag P5.00 nalang ang isa unya mga nindot (chada) pa gyd. Isa sa mga kinaiya sa Pinoy nga dili malikayan.

Nkaremember pd ko sa gi-ingon sa akong amiga nga itago nalang nato sa pangalang Maria Donnabelle Paningbatan " When your obese, you dont die old" (Kung tambok ka , ayaw ug expect na moabot paka ug dugayng tuig sa kalibutan). na touch jud ko , kai kabalo ko nga she was just trying to tell me too loose off some pounds kai dili lang bidli tanawon,but she cares for me too.

Ako mismo, gusto nako ipagbawal ang mirror mirror on the wall ...kai dko makakita sa akong imahe...larawan ng isang aparisyon,hindi ako totoo..kai mahadlok ko kung unsa na gyud ko kadako karon. Mura ko ug balloon nga hapit na moboto,unya pasumanginlan dayon nako akong hormonal imbalance, pero nakarealize ko behavioral lage daw kuno kai , tungod rani sa akong pagkatapulan.

Unsa mani testimonyo? Sa akong pagka-ako, naka suway nako sa tanan matang sa mga pills,tea,kape nga pangpaniwang, aside sa chungkang,pero ang pagka depress raman jud ang naka paniwang nako oi...saon pero dili ko gusto mahitabo na kai ikamatay unya nako...hesusmariahusep!

Why....Ngano....Bakit...???

Its been awhile,I've been busy lately..I know that I am in the stage of my life wherein I feel like I am completely lost and out of control. I wonder why I have to go through this kind of feeling wherein I am confused and its been like this for quite some time,Im afraid that me developing this kind of habit is unhealthy. It jeopardizes my work and the people around me. I can not make up my mind, simply because I am preoccupied , with things that I am uncertain of.

Now here I am listening to Franz Liszt,trying out to figure out what to do. Ah,one of my frustrations is to become a world-renowned artist. Or at least have a legacy that others might remember me for something. Oh well,on a not so serious note, I missed hanging out with the few people I trust with my life, I have so many so-called friends. I actually have several circle of friends but then only few are there for me on my lowest and darkest days.

But I dont know if I am cursed, once I get attached to people,Its like they leave me and I feel all alone. Perhaps , one of my friend was right that it was a form of denial for me. I am the one who is running away, maybe because of the past , I endured so much pain and its like my way of dealing with things.

2011

i dont know if its a good thing,but i dont feel good about the first day of the year...i mean,i feel so bad that i think my voice raised and my blood pressure rose up to the highest level.

Hear my cries....


I am in deep sorrow upon writting this, i have read a very heart warming message in my fb account and I have seen several people trying to raise funds for the people in Cagayan de Oro City and Iligan. I feel really bad for my kababayan. I feel so helpless, I am fortunate enough that I am here in Cebu and I also grateful that my family was spared from this disaster. My heart bleeds as i continue to see the number of deaths and the missing victims, I know that my whinning about this can not help the people but I am praying that somehow,I would be able to help them in my own little way, I am finding ways to reach out to my people and I am also finding time to reach out to my family as well. I cant help but burst into tears when i read about an incident when the people shouted for food, when they saw the truck full of goods,they waited for it to be distributed,they suffered hunger and thirst but then to no avail,they weren't able to eat,they were a victim of politics,was that all for show?
The government should really look for ways to help the people instead of just showcasing their platforms...they just do pure talk....they dont even know to do the walk...this is very wrong..I am not a big fan of the president and i did not even excercised my right to vote because i know one vote will not make a difference. It just pains me that i hear about the stories and i've seen the pictures,the videos....although, i chose to just close my eyes ,i dont want to imagine how things happened, i have a very vivid imagination,so i dont want to relive the experience in my own eyes, even if i wasnt there ,i know how it feels,its really frustrating and i feel disappointed as well.

The trouble with goodbye...

In my journey through life, I realized that I have become the most stubb0rn casualty ,I am so engrossed in thinking that everything does happen for a reason and that choice played an inevitable part but then again, I don't trust myself when it comes to making decisions because it could either be that its for the best or the worst. But that's the only way to go,I can say that in my course in life, I have been very flamboyant like the butterfly that spreads its wings freely as it journey into the air and then finds it's sanctuary .

In this fast phased life...we all go through different transformations and this is also evident in the environment,aside from that this is also evident in how we deal with life. Most often than not,one should need a motivation to make sure that everything will turn into place. Like a puzzle with its missing piece,one must know which one is supposed to go to which side that would fit the other intersection,this is needed inspiration is also important for you to strive hard to reach your coveted goals.

Saying goodbye is never easy,but then again,we should remember that when something is taken away from us,this just means that we will be receiving something much better

Sleepless

Its been quite sometime, I am bothered and stressed out about something. Could it be about the accident and the large sum of money that I need to pay the other party. I hate myself,how can I be so generous and then, I end up being broke and feeling sorry for myself again. It wasnt even my fault. Well,partly it was but its not my responsibility.

Perhaps ,they were right about me. I am plainly stupid and I couldnt even say No. I just go with the follow. I am like a boat sailing without a good direction, Ive been through a lot lately. These trials tested my faith. The Lord helped me throughout. I am close to giving up and even thought of ending my life. I was so pre-occupied,I was starving and broke and then back home,my family is also experiencing financial restraints.

I missed my family. The only reason why I am still trying to live my life. I know that I've been through a lot and looking back my life story is one hell of a drama series. I think that whats happening to me now is a by product of the decisions that I made and are not really good ones. Right now, I need to Focus and I know that I believe in God but the question is do I trust him?

I am not getting any younger, I need to make sure that I will live my life the right way and make sure that I need to make investments and then make sure that It will be God's Will , I need to surrender myself to him.

SMILE

I cant believe Im still smiling after all the problems that I've been through.
I sit at home,I wonder ,I think of the what if's. I go around and pretend, I play the circus clown and let my friends think that Im okay but the pain is cutting me so deep.

I put on a happy face,i put my make up on and if they ask me how I've been, I'll just say that Im okay and I go on and then I sit again at home and wonder,that empty familiar stare out of nowhere.
Its killing me but then I put on this mask,the smile on my face,the laughter,the joke is on me.

I hold my head up high, my pride is at stake. Its not that easy,its hard to fake the truth,kinda alarming but I have mastered it. So I put on a smile once again,if anyone would ask me, I will just say that everything is okay.

Its a cycle,sometimes its easier for me to smile and put on a happy face,then by showing the world my misery,at least it would save me time by explaining myself. Sometimes I just dont want to talk anymore, I just want to stay silent and grieve at my own mistakes, I want to punch myself,cut myself,see myself bleed.

But physical pain, I can endure. This mental and emotional torture is killing me. But I am still sane and I am thankful to the people who have made me and helped me all throughout. I know I am strong to fight all this adversities. I can and I will make it. I invite positivity always.

Life's a Bitch

After being hired and becoming a part of one of the Country's leading network,I thought my problems would end there..but little did I know that just around the corner another series of unfortunate events would turn its nagging toll on me. I wondered a million times, I've been nice and kind and generous to others, I've been a friend to all, a cheerful friend, a good daughter and one hell of a lover,but why am I imprisoned in this deep shithole. I am totally in a mess,its like I am a magnet for trouble.

I moved out from my comfort zone, risk taker as I am, I ventured,coz like they say "nothing ventured,nothing gained". I gained respect, I have a name now that I need to protect, and yes, I will always be the same person,but I got more responsibilities now. The worst thing about being myself is that, I am in a way impulsive, would that be considered as my weak points? If so, then by all means,can somebody poke me?

I am so bad at decision making, Its like my brains are not functioning the right way,most of the time? err....this is totally a test,I know,Ive been through a lot lately. I dont know , I am confused,battered. I am completely in distress.

I just got involved in an accident. I am blaming myself. I am now in deep shit.
It was all my fault. And now, I have to pay? Partly my fault and yes my responsibilty. I am so hating myself,but I know I will get over this predicament. Like I always do,but I need to rest from this, I need a life.

I cant sleep, I cant even think straight. Pressure....Stress...Bring it on!
Perhaps its really the end of the world,I had my share of shit, and its totally killing me. I need a diversion, I need air, I need time, I need to breath... I wish its all a dream and I wake up like nothing happened.